Musical Platforms Part 5, 6 and 7

Yep, same thing has happened, once again.  Three times this week.  Today there was a twist though.  The 0840 was actually announced as arriving on Platform 3, but of course it arrived on the usual Platform 1.  I swear those idiots at the station are having fun at our expense, grrrrrrr!

Musical Platforms Part 4

If you have read my past posts, you’ll know that I have ranted about the stupid games they play with trains arriving at different platforms at Norwood Junction station. So on Monday I come to Norwood Junction station 5 mins later than usual and I see the usual 0840 train to London Bridge crowd there.  Of course, now I’m far smarter than the silly train announcers and I anticipate that the late 0840 train is going to arrive on Platform 3.  Guess what happened?  Yes, it did arrive on Platform 3.  HA!  I’m too smart for you, you fools!

Tit Monday

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now you know, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. 

You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. 

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. 

For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. 
 
After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk. 
Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... 

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday. 

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. In 2005 it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April. 

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples. 

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps. 

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make 

Facebook Mobile = Shit

It's umbelievable how shit Facebook Mobile is. It has rendering problems on the in-built browsers on Nokia phones, it's shite in Opera Mobile and the stupid links don't work. Yep, try and delete a post you have made and watch as it makes you inexplicity log into the main site (which mobile browsers can't cope with) and then tell you it's the wrong URL. WOT. Complete shit. Avoid.

Musical Platforms Part 3

So… it happened YET AGAIN.  Stupid musical platforms for the last two days at the stupid Norwood Junction station.  Idiots, idiots, idiots!

Eastenders – complete rubbish, still

Did you watch Eastenders on January 1st?  Complete shite.  Last night's episode was another nail in the coffin for it. The storylines are shit, the acting is shit, everything about it is shit. The best times was back in the day when Grant and Phil ruled the roost. It was still great even when Grant first left and Phil turned into a mental hard man who you didn't want to mess with (up till the dumb "Who shot Phil storyline). I mean with last night's episode Sean dives into proper freezing iced-up water, but easily pulls himself out of it and walks off, unnoticed by everyone bar Roxy despite Jack and Ronnie looking roughly in the same direction on the other side of the tree? Bullshit. Who writes this crap?

Musical Platforms Part 2

Oh and guess what has happened in the last two days? Yes, musical platforms at Norwood Junction, AGAIN! Yesterday, they gave us little warning. Today they gave us none. The train was pretty much in the station before it was announced as the usual train that normally comes to platform 1. Idiots!